You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

- Phyllis Diller

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.

- Phyllis Diller

"You don't know what pressure is until you've played for five dollars a hole with only two in your pocket."

-Lee Trevino

"Never bet with anyone you meet on the first tee, who has a deep suntan, a one iron in his bag and squinty eyes."

-Dave Marr

This is fun, isn't it, kids? Sitting outdoors, roasting a watermelon over an open fire.

- Steve Martin, A Wild and Crazy Guy

Alison Scott: I'm actually doing my first on-air interview today.
Ben Stone: With who?
Alison Scott: Uh, Matthew Fox.
Ben Stone: Matthew Fox from Lost?
Alison Scott: Yeah.
Ben Stone: You know what's interesting about him?
Alison Scott: What?
Ben Stone: Nothing!

- Knocked Up

Eighteen holes of match or medal play will teach you more about your foe than will 18 years of dealing with him across a desk.

- Grantland Rice

Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.

- John Updike

Mrs Twice: Oh, please go away. Please go away, I don't want to answer any more of your questions.

Frank: We are sorry to bother you at a time like this, Mrs Twice. We would have come earlier but your husband wasn't dead then.

- Police Squad

I especially love driving down a hill directly at a tree and swerving to one side at the last moment. That's my way to relax.

- Boris Yeltsin, on the joys of driving his golf cart