Sollozzo: I don't like violence, Tom. I'm a businessman; blood is a big expense.

Stuart Markowitz: Don't underestimate me, I'm amazing with mums. When I was at High School all of them had crushes on me, it was the daughters I had trouble with.

Neal Schweiber: My mom says women prefer guys with a good sense of humor.
Bill Haverchuck: But, uh, you're not funny.
Neal Schweiber: Screw you, I'm hilarious!

Tobias Fünke: Are you calling me a coward?
Warden Stefan Gentles: There's only one man I've ever called a coward, and that's Brian Doyle Murray. No, what I'm calling you is a television actor.
Tobias Fünke: Ouch.

Marissa: [after seeing Frank running naked along the streets, she slows down her car] Frank, what are you doing?
Frank: [out of breath] We're... We're going streaking! We're going up the quad and to the gymnasium.
Marissa: Who is?
Frank: Th... W... There's more coming.
Marissa: Frank, get in the car.
Frank: But... everybody's doing it.
Marissa: Frank! Now!
Frank: [still out of breath] Ok.

It's just a campy blast. I just want to do as little as I can and make it good, and try not to sell out. I'm sure I will, but I'm just trying to postpone it.

Max Fischer: My top schools where I want to apply to are Oxford and the Sorbonne. My safety's Harvard.

Fogell: [after realizing Seth's car was towed] Why did you park in the staff lot?
Seth: [mumbles] Shut up, Fogell.
Fogell: I mean, you're not staff.
Seth: I know that Fagell! I KNOW that!

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

Comic Book Guy: Last night’s “Itchy and Scratchy Show” was, without a doubt, the worst episode *ever.* Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.

Ralph: Me fail English? That’s unpossible.

[Daniel and coworker are in large Jeep]
Daniel Miller: Why do you drive this?
Jeep Owner: What?
Daniel Miller: I'm curious. I see people driving these things. What do you know that I don't? Are floods coming? Hoover Dam broke? What's going on?
Jeep Owner: I like this car.
Daniel Miller: It's not a car, it's a battering ram. This is what Patton drove: "Hey you, soldier! Follow us!"
Jeep Owner: Make fun, but in an 8.5 earthquake, you'll beg for a Jeep.
Daniel Miller: In an 8.5 earthquake, I'll beg for a coffin.

- Defending Your Life

Archibald Mealing was one of those golfers in whom desire outruns performance. Nobody could have been more willing than Archibald. He tried, and tried hard. Every morning before he took his bath he would stand in front of his mirror and practise swings. Every night before he went to bed he would read the golden words of some master on the subject of putting, driving, or approaching. Yet on the links most of his time was spent in retrieving lost balls or replacing America.

- P.G. Wodehouse, Archibald's Benefit

Jokes of the proper kind, properly told, can do more to enlighten questions of politics, philosophy, and literature than any number of dull arguments.

- Isaac Asimov

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

- George Carlin

Ty Webb: You take drugs, Danny?
Danny Noonan: Every day.
Ty Webb: Good. Then what's your problem?
Danny Noonan: I don't know.

- Caddyshack

Sandy: I want you to kill every gophers on the golf course!
Carl Spackler: Correct me if I'm wrong Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers, they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key...
Sandy: Not golfers, you great fool! Gophers! The *little* *brown*, *furry* *rodents*!
Carl Spackler: We can do that; we don't even have to have a reason. All right, let's do the same thing, but with gophers!

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

- Mitch Hedberg

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

-Mitch Hedberg

Derek Zoolander: Well I guess it all started the first time I went through the second grade. I caught my reflection in a spoon while I was eating my cereal, and I remember thinking "wow, you're ridiculously good looking, maybe you could do that for a career."
Matilda: Do what for a career?
Derek Zoolander: Be professionally good looking.

- Zoolander

General: "Garlick, have you put on some weight?"
Lt. Garlick: "No, sir, no, I don't think I have."
General (disbelieving): "Hell son, the shadow of your ass must weigh ten pounds."

- Good Morning Vietnam

Vanessa Kensington: Mr. Powers, I would never have sex with you, ever! If you were the last man on earth and I was the last woman on earth, and the future of the human race depended on our having sex, simply for procreation, I still would not have sex with you.

Austin Powers: What's your point, Vanessa?

- Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

Grace: Makes you look like an ass is what he does, Ed. The Sportos, Motorheads, Geeks, Sluts, Bloods, Wastoids, Dweebies, Dickheads. They all adore him. They think he's a righteous dude.

- Ferris Beuller's Day Off

Michael Kelso: Guys, I gotta tell you something. I'm omnipotent.

- That 70's Show