Bart: Lisa, I only lied because it was the best way to get what I wanted.

- The Simpsons

HBO announced over the weekend that it will no longer be involved with the U.S. Comedy Arts Festival.

Al: Son, let this be a lesson to you: never do tequila shooters within a country mile of a marriage chapel.

- Married With Children

Al: Everybody, I have an announcement. Your happiness... sickens me. Everybody but me is looking at good times. But for me it's been one long continuous year since I got married. Actually, one long month. Helluary.

- Married With Children

Al: Ah, Peg. You're down here. Damn. Then I was dreaming you ran off with the dwarf down at the bookstore, and I was living in sin with a Playboy centerfold and her eight friends who could speak but chose not to.

- Married With Children

Randy and Jason Sklar perform stand-up comedy all over the country. They also regularly appear on television and as voice-over talent for animated series.

From thehawknest.com: In 2001, he was voted one of the 25 top comics in the country in a poll of comedy club owners nominating candidates for the American Comedy Awards. And, perhaps needless to say (given all these victories, achievements and accolades), he’s starred in his own Comedy Central half-hour special, appeared on “Late Night With Conan O’Brien,” and a slew of other TV shows.

From imdb.com mini-bio: Janeane, the petite woman with the acerbic wit, was born in Newton, New Jersey, in 1964, and had many jobs before breaking into show biz. She worked as a bike messenger, a shoe salesperson (no doubt with Al Bundy's disposition), waitress and temp secretary. Watching David Letterman on TV inspired her to write comedy, and by 1985 she was doing stand up comedy.

A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.

- David Letterman