Danny Gallagher reviews the 8 greatest makeshift movie weapons for Cracked.com.

Australian humorist John Martin considers the many uses of his Swiss army knife.

"Can I get a haircut this afternoon?" I asked.

"Can you come back in half an hour?" the receptionist/cashier/gum chewer responded. "Varna can take you."

I used to go to one or two different salons to get my hair cut. Now I like to try new places. My hair is easy to cut and I like the sense of adventure.

You used to be able to shoot a round of golf in a few hours. Now a round of golf drags on longer than a weekend with your relatives. It takes all day to finish 18 holes. You play the first hole and then you wait. Finally, you tee off and then you wait. You go to your tee shot and wait until they are off the green. Slow play has never been worse.

Let's all learn to recognize and avoid these slow play sources:

I decided to go golfing. I looked out the window-it was overcast and gray. Better check the Yahoo weather page. The Yahoo weather page has weather outlooks, satellite views, radar scans, precipitation measurements, pollen counts, travel planners, everything- a weather junkie's dream. "Partly cloudy", it said. "No rain today." I grabbed my clubs and headed for Griffith Park.

Driving alongside the course, I could see golfers on the second and third holes. I love it when you can see the course from the road. It adds to the anticipation. "Today is the day!", I said to myself. "Today is the day I avenge the previous 7,000 rounds. Today I will shoot a good score!"

"Let's barbecue!" I said to Vivian.

Silence.

Hello, hello?

I knew the source of this lack of enthusiasm. The last time we cooked together, I stood over the grill drinking beer while she chopped vegetables for an hour.

I had a good set at the Comedy Store. A comic friend sat down across the table.

"You know, you should do commercials", he said.

"You mean, like a spokesperson, an executive type?" I pictured myself in a $2,000 suit holding up the latest cold medicine, stating in stentorian tones, "This medicine is so strong, you won't feel your headache, or anything else, including your feet."

The ball rolled three-quarters around the edge of the hole and lipped out. It came to rest two feet way from the cup.

"It could be worse", I said, smiling, leaning on my putter.

Kevin glared at me. "And how could it be worse?"

Oops. I forgot my rule. When a golfer is melting down, leave him alone.

I've moved a lot. I was born in Dayton, then moved to Columbus, Austin, Edmonton, Des Moines, Akron, Columbus (II), Cleveland, Columbus (III), Los Angeles, San Francisco, and then back to Los Angeles (II). My brother John, who remembers everything, claims we also lived in Iceland in the summer of 1968 and Indonesia during the monsoon season in 1975.

by Joe Ditzel

Jimmy shanked his tee shot into the woods. He pulled a second ball out of his jeans pocket with one smooth move.

"I'm taking my mulligan!" he announced to his brothers Steve and Mookie. He placed it on the tee, reared back and blasted a worm-burner down the middle.